A familiar email tale

-A A +A

Vince Luecke

I received the following email a few days ago. I’m sure its theme will sound familiar to many of you.

Mr. Luecke: I am Mrs. Dominika Kruznikor, a 69-year-old widow. I am suffering from terminal cancer and the doctors have told me that I have few weeks to live. I want to donate my inheritance out under your supervision to benefit the less privileged. Email me for details.

Hardly a week goes by that I don’t receive something similar. I’m sure everyone with an email account has heard similar tales of lottery winnings or strangers wanting to hand over cash. Perhaps I was in an overly frumpy mood that day, but I emailed the following to Mrs. Dominika. As of Friday afternoon, I was still awaiting a reply.

Dear Dominika:
Sorry to hear of your health struggles and the surprising desire you have to give me your inheritance. Have we met? Are we distant kin? Please advise.

Do you not have relatives who might inherit your money? Is there no church or community group that might benefit from your generosity?

I must confess, Dominika, that I am short of time today and I believe you may – rather I’m quite sure you are –  trying to perpetrate a fraud on me. I doubt you are actually sick and suspect you have little money to give. I also find it slightly beyond good sense to think my good name and fine character are known far and wide enough to have reached your ears. By the way, you are writing from where?

I suspect you are from another nation and are simply fishing for personal information. If I were to agree to take a hard-earned inheritance off of your hands, you would probably want my bank information. Were I to provide that, I suspect you would be taking my money instead of depositing yours. That would hurt the inheritance I hope to pass on some day.

Notes from people like you generate in me, depending on the mood I’m in, either disgust or hilarity. Today, it’s disgust.

You are someone with whom I share the same planet. Can I suggest that you might do something more productive with your life?

At least you sent me a polite scam and didn’t call some night and pretend to be a family member in need of bail money. I hope you don’t stoop that low, but I would not want to wager on your morals.

What really angers me is this: there are people who really have cancer and face too few days on earth. You are a disgrace to the planet we all share. Sorry to be a frump. It’s been a busy day.

But I hope it’s a great time at the Internet cafe where your life unfolds. I hope your health improves and you decide to join the human race, not prove how low some of its member can live.